Fantasy World

I waited patiently,

for a thin piece of paper,

which my destiny awaits,

in the hands of fate.

I waited patiently,

I don't want to think,

but i'm sure it could make

my hope shatter into pieces,

Good!

Then I will romanticize no more!

I don't know what stands in front,

and what stood behind.

I want it to come,

but I don't want to face

when the thin piece of paper,

is put in front of my face.

A year... has it passed already?

Between my fingers it rushes by, I couldn't grab hold of any of it.

A total of 365 days... how have they passed?

With tears, smiles, anger, laughters, hatred and love.

I could still mention all the things happened in these days, yet I don't have that feeling again.

They are only incidents which don't concern me.

They were memorable only at that time, and now, they pass by me as some strangers.

A farewell to Form 3, and a farewell to many.

A farewell to my friends, a farewell to the old DGS campus, a farewell to the present.

We are stepping on a new road, where we will get separated, and that is what I fear most.

We are all at the cross where we must take different paths, and which will lead to different ends. Though the roads might meet one day, we will only walk pass as if we do not know each other.

Even if the roads do meet, we have to continue to walk... I hate to say good-byes, but i know this is for real.

All i could say is that I'm scared and afraid, my mind is mingled up with images of separation.

I know it would come, sooner or later. But I really don't want it to come this year, just when everyone is so close to each other... just when everything feels so right.

I don't want to to change, and leave me in the new place where I have to face a new whole world again...

其實，我現在也只有兩個夢想，不是做醫生或律師，根本與學業無關。

但是，我開始發現，這兩個夢想只是妄想…

就算要實現，也不知要最少十幾年後。

我不想等，而且也不知這兩個妄想會不會實現…

若果我等了，而夢想又不能成真，那我為何要等？

若果我沒等，而去尋其它的目標，但夢想便因而不能成真，那我又該如何？

唉…沒有做數的腦總是在胡思亂想，想阻止，又不能，好討厭…討厭…

星期三，我發現啖裡有血，不是咳出來，只是普通的啖裡有血。其實，起初我還有點害怕，但我之後竟然覺得有點開心，因為我不用考 Maths ，不用面對中史，都不用面對所炒的成績…甚麼也不用面對，不是很好嗎？

所以，我之後告訴 athena 的時候，我是笑著的，像是在說笑。

很多老師以為我很怕，但事實上，我只是想知道我會怎樣死，或者我會不會死，我並不害怕。只要不讓媽媽知道，那就行了。

今天，媽媽又罵我了，說我甚麼太大壓力，再話：「我肯定你十年內一定會生 cancer...」

起初，我是沒有回應的，只是在想：沒所謂 la，我又不怕死…

後來，她再話我會有 cancer 的時候，我忍不住將心底的那句話說了：「有咪有咪 lor....我唔怕死…」

為何我會不怕死的？為何人們認為生存很幸福，我卻沒所謂？人們不是說天堂很幸福嗎？那他們又為何留在這裡？我為何會不明白…為何我甚麼也不明白？

神樂，那隻蜘蛛其實有 90 % 是我。不同的是，我不是想找一個別人會認同我的地方，只是想找個寧靜的地方生活…

The spider wandered round and round,

wondering if such a place could be found.

Trying as hard as she could,

for she still has that hope

somewhere deep inside her

which is small yet clear.

Rushing here and there,

trying to find somewhere

where someone accepts her,

the real her that is inside her.

Until then she sees the butterfly,

flying up in the bright blue sky.

Then she realizes that her hope,

was only a hope in vain.

Desperately as the spider walked around,

until she finally finds a place

where everyone will be good to her.

Yet she remembers something strange,

before she reached this place,

she felt a crush on her back....